Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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