listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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