I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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