My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
