Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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