I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
