I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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