Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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