Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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