Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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