I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
