Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
