Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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