u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
