my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
