you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
