my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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