Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
ttyl tear gas
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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