How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is it because I queefed?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
