im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
