a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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