She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
