Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize