My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
