bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
