No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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