anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
