i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
