but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
