Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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