Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
