Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Acid is not a monday night drug
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
