Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
