I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
