When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
