They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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