i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize