I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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