His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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