The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
