I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
