How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You're like the curious george of whores
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize