Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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