kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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