Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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