I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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