My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
