Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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