sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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