You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
