I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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