remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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