I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize