I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
