I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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