if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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