there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
