I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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