Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
