Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
