you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
