Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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