there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
