Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
