Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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