mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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