I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
