I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize