can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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